I have not used this blog thing for a while. I have been very busy, but not so much that I haven't been filling up my time with using the internet on occasion, so I guess there is no excuse.
If you would like to see what I have been filling my time with, you can check these links:
www.myspace.com/thedrinkandthedirtyhands
www.last.fm/user/laflava
Despite the fact that no one reads this but me (and I don't even read it), I want to share something with you, the reader, even if this is just a hollow pocket of telephone lines and other technological gadgets. All of my life, I have seen people that couldn't. I have seen people who didn't. I have seen people who won't. My ill-planned, renegade behavior over the last year or so has left me almost completely alone. I was fool hardy to rush in with my brash blood and take on so many things and situations. I used to be angry because I didn't understand why these people didn't stand up for themselves, their ideals (only when I deemed them "right"), and for others. One of my favorite movies is Thank You For Smoking. If you have not seen it or read the book, do it now. I enjoy books, but the movie drove the point much harder. I understand why the people I have encountered can't, didn't, and won't. The main character in the story is a lobbyist for big tobacco. In an interview, a reporter asks him why he does what he does. His answer was this: "To pay the mortgage." I have learned that there is nothing wrong with paying this debt/price. More than anything, I believe that sacrifice is one of the largest pieces in the puzzle of life. Ideals will always remain within their holders, though they may not be voiced. The sacrifice of opening one's mouth for the sake of supporting his/her self and others is one to be admired and respected. It is the way the world works. People can't always say what they want to because they have to pay the mortgage. Most people have things that they can lose by opening their mouths. I do not. Perhaps it was self-righteous (especially to think that anyone actually needs my help), but I have become an advocate for those who have something to lose because I do not. I speak my mind, not only because I like to, but because there are people who cannot. I do not view myself as a martyr or anything like it. I am simply trying to help. However, I found that my tries to help, while they may work for others, do not work so well for me. Without sounding pompous, I feel that I have been sacrificing myself in this way. Sacrifice for a martyr is for the purpose of being a martyr: I did not intend for things to turn out like they have. I have become a sacrificing person in hindsight. Alienating myself was never my intention, but it is undoubtedly the outcome of my choices. Is it all worth it? It is worth is to fight for a homosexual friend against close minded Christians if it means being hated for saying what they simply could not? Is it worth it to say what so many are thinking and dealing with the consequences that they could not? I have always heard that you can't help anyone else unless you help yourself first. Secure your mask before trying to assist others. I cannot answer these questions. I am alone for the sake of helping others to be accepted, loved, and cared for. Is it worth it? Is my merit measured by the risks I take for others? Am I viewed as selfish because some think I only do what I do because it "gets me off?" I don't go looking to pick fights and offend. However, it is very hard to sit idly by while injustice sets in. I use coarse and crude language in my arguments for many reasons. No one will intently read what I write or listen to what I say if my language is bland. This is where I rely on shock value. People are more enticed by "bad" things and are more inclined to read things that they can't believe I'm saying because of my shocking vocabulary. If I continue down this road, I will lose so much. Mainly, I will lose opportunities. I will lose opportunities for relationships, respect from people that don't understand, and love. For some 10-odd years I have found myself enthralled with very few women, none of which find my actions of late attractive in the least. I can think of one in particular who would never have anything to do with me because of the things I say and do because no one seems to understand that I do these things for others. Yes, I could change my approach, but the point would not hit like it needs to. I could be nicer and try to only have good things to say, but it would be a lie. I consider myself nice in my doing for others, and if everything was good, I would acknowledge that.
There are two options for me. I can keep doing what I'm doing and suffer the consequences, or I can keep my mouth shut and pay the mortgage. I can become more appealing to that which I desire, or commit social suicide by sticking to my principles. It is time to decide.
